im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
