guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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