id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
