no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
