I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This is the high leading the old right now
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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