my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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