I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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