Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
