I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
