Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
