Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
