Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
