Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
