So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
