i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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