So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
