just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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