her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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