After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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