Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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