note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize