Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
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Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
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I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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