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I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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