I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Drunk is not a location!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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