so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
