i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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