If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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