he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
