I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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