If that was your dad, he is hot
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
