Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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