Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
