My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
