moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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