I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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