i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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