I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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