and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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