someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
