It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
