dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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