I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
