There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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