I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
