I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
