I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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