Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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