Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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