My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
