Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize