I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
