Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
