there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
accomplished twins. life is a go
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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