Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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