So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The air was thick with penises
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
