it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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