I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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