At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
