Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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