4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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